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Reasons Jay Leno Should Retire

Angela Weiss/Getty Images for Ace Cafe

Is Jay Leno retiring from ‘The Tonight Show?’  Rumors are he’s calling it quits and NBC will replace Leno with Jimmy Fallon in 2014. Is it time for Jay to step down?  Here a few reasons Jay Leno should retire.

–He hasn’t been funny since . . . ever.

–He can join most of his jokes in the old-age home.

–The look on Conan’s face when he happily hands the reins over to Fallon.

–Maybe Jimmy Kimmel will stop being mean to him.

–Here’s how long he’s been at it: When he first started, the jokes he’s telling now would have been funny.

–He can go on to bigger and better things . . . right, Oprah?

–He’s been number one in his time slot for decades, and that’s just not the NBC way.

–Jimmy Fallon deserves a chance to show a larger audience how much he sucks, too.

–If he decides to un-retire, he can always just go back on his word, shamelessly manipulate the situation, and completely screw over his replacement.

–Not doing a show five nights a week will provide LOTS more time to sneak up in a 1912 Stutz Bearcat and jam a knife into Conan’s back.

–New research shows NBC can achieve the same levels of hilarity by replacing him with Jimmy Fallon, or a test pattern.

–He finally realized his core audience is all either on their death beds or too comatose to know or care whether or not he’s still on the air.

–He needs more time to continue the vain search for anyone who’s laughed even once at a “Jaywalking” segment.

–When he looks through the newspaper to find headlines, most of them now say “Jay Leno Should Retire”.

–It’s time to slow down, spend more time with the wife . . . plus there’s a cushy late-night slot on TBS he’s had his eye on.

–Believe it or not, you can eventually run the Monica Lewinsky scandal into the ground.

–New research shows people watching late-night talk shows actually expect laughs.

–His remaining fans are all scheduled to die this year.

–It’s becoming increasingly difficult to avoid slitting his wrist while listening to Cameron Diaz tell yet another riveting story about the time she almost lost her cat.

–Your grandparents really need to get to bed earlier.

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